Men don't do Black Friday, and now I know why...
While visiting my family this weekend, I was informed that they would be braving the war zone known as Target on the day after Thanksgiving. The emotions that ran through my body went in this order.
Confusion
Fear
Curiousity
Idiocracy
Curiousity (again)
Ultimately curiousity got the best of me and I decided that I had no choice but to experience Black Friday. I look at it kind of like sky diving, intoxication, and skinny dipping; everyone should try it once.
4:15AM - I am awake. Target opens in 45 minutes. I get dressed, paying little attention to what I put on, and walk out of my room
4:20 - The family is waiting in the kitchen. They are much more prepared for this shopping than I am. Each of them are wearing sweatshirts and comfortable shoes. From the looks of it, this is their Vietnam. We leave the house in two cars, men in one, women in the other.
4:45 - We arrive at Target. My cousin, uncle and I get there approximately 30 seconds before my aunt, other cousin, and her friends. In those 30 seconds, three people get in line behind us. When the other car arrives, they get in line with us in front of the three people. An old Asian lady behind us starts yelling at us for cutting. We decided that she was a bitch and that fighting her at 4:45 was not worth it. We all move behind the Asian bitch.
4:59 - I have updated my Twitter 5 times while standing in line. I have been given two coupons and a bag that says "Marcel Wanders" on it. I do not know who Marcel Wanders is, but I can only assume he is an Issac Mizrahi type who didn't grope Scarlett Johanssen.
5:00 - The doors open. People flock in, I head to the electronics with my cousin whose only objective is leave with the newly priced $299 Playstation.
5:02 - There is a klump of people in front of the electronics. There is no line. It is a free for all. The guy who is at the register on our side of the klump is 13 years old and has not hit puberty yet. He is not good at his job. Someone asks me if I work at Target, to which I reply "no".
5:12 - We are still in the klump. The little Asian bitch runs past us with two Tomtoms and an XBox. Someone else asks me if I work at Target.
5:13 - A tiny woman in glasses tried to turn the klump into two lines. It is not very successful. She tried to get people who have perceived the klump as a line to move into another line behind 40 people. He proceeds to tell her to fuck off as nicely as possible. Another person asks me if I work at Target. I am now confused
5:20 - My cousin and I finally get to the front of the line. We tell the hairless 13 year old that we want the 120GB PS3 that costs $299. It is at this point that I realize I am wearing a red polo identical to the ones that the Target employees are wearing. The 13 year old comes to tell us that they only have the $349 PS3 in stock. We show him the advertisement for the $299 PS3, to which he responds "Yeah, we probably should have gotten some of those in stock." I knew I could have taken him, but at the end of the day I was just a standby witness of the mayhem while my cousin was the one who wanted to spend him money. Besides, I had a better idea.
5:30 - We meet up with my cousin. She has a video game chair in her cart. She tells my uncle that it's a good deal because it's $70 off and they can give it to the synogauge. He agrees.
5:32 - We meet Lulu. Lulu is my cousin's friend and had been working at Target since 4AM today. Lulu and I would later become better acquainted.
5:40 - We wander around Target while the girls look for pajamas and DVDs. One of my cousins wants Funny People while the other wants My Sister's Keeper. We end up leaving with only My Sister's Keeper because Funny People wasn't in stock on Blu-Ray.
5:45 - My Aunt has now discovered my red polo. She steals Lulu's name tag. I am now Lulu. In exchange for later jumping a few lines, I convince a shopper to spend $4 on laser precision scissors.
5:52 - One of my aunt's friends sees a new 32" Flat Screen for $389. She considers buying it. As a good Target employee, I tell her that if she's going to buy it, she should go with the 40" with 1080i. She proceeds to not buy any TV
5:53 - I am no longer Lulu. I feel free again.
5:56 - I see that there are seasons of Gossip Girl for $12.99. I am oddly tempted to buy them even though I do not watch the show. At this point, I realize that I need to get out of there.
5:59 - We have now been shopping for over an hour. Everyone realizes it's time to go. We make our way over to the register and there is no line. Stuff is divided between the people who want it.
6:07 - We have left Target. We are walking to the car when my cousin sees that Game Stop is now open. My uncle and him walk over to the store to see if they have the $299 PS3. I really hoped that they did, as Karma would then bitch slap the hairless 13 year old whose balls haven't dropped instead of me.
6:09 - We drive over to Denny's. I make the recommendation that we split 2 grand slams, but it falls on deaf ears. I'm not paying so I get no say. We immediately see that there are Pancake poppers and feel the need to get them.
6:20 - I am at a table of all women. They are sharring their shopping war stories. I do not share these stories. They proceed to make fun of my hair for being everywhere. I consider making fun of their inadequecies but decide to be nicer than that.
6:22 - Our Pancake poppers arrive and we order. Everyone gets some type of grand slam. No one will finish their meal.
6:42 - Our food arrives. I am the only one who is truly happy with my meal thanks in no small part that I remember the number one rule of Denny's.
**The food is not good, cover it in sugar/salt
Accordingly, my pancakes had strawberries and whipped cream in them, my oatmeal was filled with brown sugar, and my grits were filled with salt. It went down easily after last night's meal.
7:00 - We are leaving the restaurant. I am asked if I want to continue Black Friday shopping. I consider it and come up with the following
1) They will be going to Ulta; I don't wear makeup
2) They will be going to Macy's; I don't need anything there
3) They will be going to the mall; I have a bad habit of spending too much time at the food court
I politely decline their offer to accompany them on their shopping. I am called a wimp. I return back to my room, watch televsion, and sleep for several hours.
Upon returning from their shopping, they proceeded to do the same thing. In my mind, I spent less money and was more awake for the rest of the day than they were; accordingly, I am victrious.
This is what men do...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
In the beginning...
It all began with Adam...
Adam, the first man, got to walk around naked all day with animals. He had a wife, Eve, who was created from his rib and walked around all day naked with him. All was well until Eve spent all their good will with god, ate something she wasn't supposed to eat, and then got them kicked out of their home. The metaphor of this today would be a housewife who takes care of the kids, maxes out the credit cards, and makes the family lose their house.
This has become the benchmark for all things manly since then. A man works, a woman stays home, he earns it, she spends it and it's all ok because she's the only one who can give milk to their baby from her booby.
To that, I say nay, no, nyet, non, and lo.
In modern terms, what Adam did is what's known as "biblical manliess" or in different words "As man before me did, so shall I." Obviously, this is a ludicrous. Adam had no car, no computer, no supermarket to buy his food at, and the only similarities between modern man and Adam is the E.S.P. Eats, Sleeps, Poops. In other words, anything that man can do beyond the age of 2 bears no resemblance to what Adam could do. If you don't believe me, then look at the paper in your printer with the word documents you just printed Adam didn't have that; he couldn't even read that.
What men do these days is whatever the hell a man does after he puts his pants on and walks out the door.
The battle of the 21st century is, was, and always will be between the Modern Man and Biblical Man.
And so, the battle begins...
Last week, while driving, I came up to a stop sign and waited my turn to pass through the three way stop.
The guy to my perpendicular right, who stopped after me, started to move at the same time I did. He stopped and I kept going. As I drove past, I involuntarily rolled my eyes. 100 yards later, he turns and I get a middle finger in the rear-view mirror.
Why did he feel the need to do this? What did he gain from it? What possible motive was there for him to do so?
Because he is a man...and by flicking me off, he was able to reassert his biblical maniless after my eye-rolling took a shot at it.
At the end of the day, it doesn't make any difference to either of our lives. He waited for an extra second at the stop sign and and I saw something in my rear view mirror that I wouldn't want a four year old to see...
This is what men do...
Adam, the first man, got to walk around naked all day with animals. He had a wife, Eve, who was created from his rib and walked around all day naked with him. All was well until Eve spent all their good will with god, ate something she wasn't supposed to eat, and then got them kicked out of their home. The metaphor of this today would be a housewife who takes care of the kids, maxes out the credit cards, and makes the family lose their house.
This has become the benchmark for all things manly since then. A man works, a woman stays home, he earns it, she spends it and it's all ok because she's the only one who can give milk to their baby from her booby.
To that, I say nay, no, nyet, non, and lo.
In modern terms, what Adam did is what's known as "biblical manliess" or in different words "As man before me did, so shall I." Obviously, this is a ludicrous. Adam had no car, no computer, no supermarket to buy his food at, and the only similarities between modern man and Adam is the E.S.P. Eats, Sleeps, Poops. In other words, anything that man can do beyond the age of 2 bears no resemblance to what Adam could do. If you don't believe me, then look at the paper in your printer with the word documents you just printed Adam didn't have that; he couldn't even read that.
What men do these days is whatever the hell a man does after he puts his pants on and walks out the door.
The battle of the 21st century is, was, and always will be between the Modern Man and Biblical Man.
And so, the battle begins...
Last week, while driving, I came up to a stop sign and waited my turn to pass through the three way stop.
The guy to my perpendicular right, who stopped after me, started to move at the same time I did. He stopped and I kept going. As I drove past, I involuntarily rolled my eyes. 100 yards later, he turns and I get a middle finger in the rear-view mirror.
Why did he feel the need to do this? What did he gain from it? What possible motive was there for him to do so?
Because he is a man...and by flicking me off, he was able to reassert his biblical maniless after my eye-rolling took a shot at it.
At the end of the day, it doesn't make any difference to either of our lives. He waited for an extra second at the stop sign and and I saw something in my rear view mirror that I wouldn't want a four year old to see...
This is what men do...
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